Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Land of Never

I seem to be living in the Land of Never. This is not the same land that Peter Pan was so fond of, but the land of all that I said I would never do seems to be coming into being. When I retired and moved to Oregon to write, I was filled with a lot of never.

I thought I would never return to live in Illinois. Iowa, maybe, but never Illinois. I thought I would never consider going back to work. I thought I would never return to the girlfriend I left behind. I thought I would never be in another committed relationship. I thought I would never consider marriage again. I thought I would never walk away from my book. I thought I would never have my own family. I thought I would never be a father.

In my previous post I spoke of letting go of my preconceived ideas of who I am. And so I have. Including those I had about my book. It seems appropriate to first share my thoughts about this aspect of myself, as it was what took me away from all that I hold as near and dear.

The book has been written. And in many ways I am complete with that process. I have it partially edited, and have no compulsion to complete it. None. That which drove my life for the last couple of years is simply gone. That which once defined me is simply--changed.

I would almost tell you that I have no need to write another word. That is not quite true, for I do still have a need to write but not on the book. I continue to communicate with God in writing, and feel I will always have a need to do so. That does not mean have a need to share it.

I have no need to publish my book.
I have no need to share my understandings about life and God.
I have no need to guide others in their spiritual paths.
I have no need to heal others through love and energy.

That does not mean I will not do those things, only that I no longer NEED them to define who I am. I no longer NEED them to be fulfilled and satisfied within my life.

I am happy with who I presently am. I like who I am. I even love who I am. More than this I am simply allowing my heart to continue to guide my life. Somehow my heart has been healed in ways that remain inexplicable. I strongly feel I am stepping into my next level of evolution.

Oh, and I am VERY AWARE of how I have evolved over the last couple of years. I am literally not the same man. I am not the same man I was on January 1st. I am not even the man I four months ago. I am not even the same man I was at the first of June when I went to be with my younger sister prior to her surgery.

My life has simply and profoundly changed. All due to my heart.

Many reading this must imagine that I am going to announce that I have fallen in love. And they would be correct. There is a woman and love involved but if I were honest about what really has changed; I would say that I have fallen in love with myself. Oh, I know that is far too new age for some reading this. Or maybe far too Californian. Yet it remains that this is the biggest factor in all that is unfolding before me.

Long before I had retired I embarked on A Journey of the Heart. I little realized it was really a journey of self-discovery. This journey, this journey of the heart, was not just of self-discovery, but of self-healing. Over the course of this last year, I have have healed deep wounds within myself. Some of those processes I have shared here.

I came to once again feel loved. By myself. I cannot emphasize that enough. The change has been within me. I started to let the love in that has been surrounding me most of my life. IT had always been there, I just didn't let it in.

I know that I have many people who know me will be surprised by this. They know me as having a very loving heart. Some have felt the intensity of my love. And I have been aware they have intensely loved me in return. Not that I ever let it truly in. I didn't trust love, I didn't trust myself to let it in. I had been hurt so many times. Over the last year, that has been healed.

I return to the relationship I left when I set out on this journey of self-discovery. For two years I have tried to forget her and to break that heart connection. But all I needed to do was to hear her voice and all of my feelings would come slamming back into my heart.

I would see her each time I returned to the area for a visit. She had moved on. She had a boyfriend. Just being in her presence, over lunch, my emotions would run high but I was respectful of her new relationship.

The more we saw each other, the more we realized we both still had strong feelings for the other. After she broke up with her boyfriend, we decided to pursue a relationship. This is more than what we shared when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We are proceeding the with idea of a live-in relationship. That sounds so simply, but in the way of all of life is not.

She has three daughters, 18, 15, and 7. I had been reluctant to meet them before now. I had known I was leaving and felt it would complicate their lives for me to enter and then leave their lives. I am now willing. I realize that they have a father, yet I am aware I cannot help but have some level of influence in their lives. Yes, this means, at the age of 55, I am pursuing some level of fatherhood.

We are consciously pursuing this. We hold many deep and serious conversations. Neither of us are naive about what all of this might mean. We are not acting from a place of innocence believing that all will just naturally work out, but that we must work together--first as a couple and then as a family for this to be successful. There are no guarantees that we will indeed end up in relationship, only that we are seriously pursuing it.

I am still in California as we pursue this even as my heart yearns to be back with her. Yet, I know that it is best for me to remain here. I am not complete with my personal development. There are three more Jean Houston weekends go attend. The next is in September and the one following it is in October. Financially it makes more sense for me to remain on this coast until I complete at least those two. The third is in December.

It might be of interest to you to know that September's workshop is on Prosperity. I find that fascinating as I used the funds I had reserved for these classes on my trip to be with my sister prior to her surgery. Further, October's class is on Relationships. I cannot ignore the synchronicity of this as I am pursuing a relationship that includes fatherhood.

I had hoped that I would be able to see her when I returned in August for my family reunion. I won't be attending, as my funds are exhausted. I am job hunting, in hopes of building funds for the Jean Houston weekends. I love my family, but have had to set those weekends as the higher priority. I never thought I would make my personal development a priority over my family, but these workshops play a big part in who I have become--and that is a man who loves himself.

So, as you can see what I say I am in the land of Never. I never thought I would be here and not at this time in my life--yet it is here. I am here and I simply allowing it to unfold. I DON'T have all the answers. I am simply LIVING it.

I am trusting love. I am trusting my heart and I continue this wonderful, blissful and exciting Journey of the Heart.