My Wandering Path

I began this third edit when I was taking care of Blue.  This edit has taken me on a wondering path, and at times the path has felt uphill and the end was off in the distance. This photo seems to exemplify that.

I would like to think the end is in sight, but I have no idea when it will come.  I am diligently working on this draft and much has been accomplished.  The Introduction has become the first chapter and I need to write a new Introduction.  I have cut 25,000 words.  Chapter after chapter lay in the waste.  I love my words--don't all writers?--but these words needed to go and the book is improved by it.  Oh, and the end will have be rewritten.

I have finished entering all these red-ink edits into the computer.  It's time to print out another edited version, and start again.  I just seem to work better using hard copy.  I still have a goal of having it ready for a publisher or to self publish by the first of the year.

For today, I'm celebrating having cut 25,000 words.  It's down to 120,000 words.  Now maybe I can cut another 5-10,000.  Dare I dream of 20,000?

Blessings to all who continue to hold me, and this book, in their thoughts and prayers.

My Commute

I have been commuting for almost two weeks now and was surprised to realize I was indeed, commuting.  I have been working on the major rewrite of my book.  This is the third, and final, draft. (That doesn't mean I'm not willing to do another draft, I just feel when I am finished with this one, it will be ready.) 
I am living with friends in Sherman Oaks.  I like to go down to the Palisades to work.  First at a Starbucks and then move over to the library when it opens.  This requires a commute.  On work days, I get up and go off to write/edit.  I have tried various times--7:30, 8:30, 9:30.  The commute can still be terrific--45-55, even 65 minutes.  A normal drive would be 35.
Knowing I was going to post this blog, I tried to get a picture of my commute, but the pics I got don't do justice to what it's like.
This blog is not meant to be a complaint, but a simply sharing of my current life.  I don't have any anxiety over the commute as I am always on the way to the work I LOVE.   I often listen to a book on drive, but most of all I am just thankful--I am living the life I love.  How wonderful is that!

Blessings to all. 

Something New, something Blue

Since returning from my visit back to the Midwest, I have been house-sitting.  Something new for me is the responsibility to walk the dog twice a day.  Most days we walk along this trail.  These photos are taken in the early morning before the marine layer and fog has burned off.   On average we take a 30 minute walk.  Yep, me exercising--twice a day!  That certainly is something new for me.  And the dog's name is Blue.  He's just about the coolest dog ever!

As to the rest of my life, the third and the final draft of my book has commenced.  I haven't got to the tough part yet but I have skimmed off a 1,000 words.

This housesit is complete next Tuesday and I'll linger here in the Monterey area for a couple more days before traveling up the Marysville to visit friends.

 Blessings to all!

The Journey Continues

Quail Springs - Joshua Tree National Park

A few weeks ago I proudly announced I had finished the second draft of my book.  Some 300+ pages and 145,000.  I think I may have announced I wanted to cut 30,000-40,000 words from the text.  Since then I had a interesting discussion with God.  These occurred over three days and were like none other I had experienced.  The bottom line of which is the book needs a major re-write.  That's how God describes it to me.  Seems He didn't like the description of a vicious or drastic edit.  A major re-write somehow sounds better.
And while I like to think I have a very good connection with the Divine, it seems I am not fully prepared for this work.  I have been spending time becoming even more centered, more grounded and more connected.  I even got up the other day before dawn and went off to the park.  After sunrise, I spent a few minutes writing here in Quail Springs.   What a beautiful place!  As this is the desert it is best to visit in early morning.
Those who have never written a book have been amazed by the process, as I have been.  All I can say, is the journey continues.

It's Finished!

 

I am happy to announce I have finished the 2nd draft of my book.  I finished editing everything I had written and printed while in Santa Rosa in early June.  I knew there was to be one final chapter which would include real life writings.  Frankly I liked how the previous chapter had ended and did not see the need for this chapter.  Yet I went along with God's plan, and selected several writings, including one narrative about an event I was both embarrassed and humiliated by as well as I writing I simply didn't want used.

I finished the last chapter about a week ago and have just been soaking that in.  It's a marvelous feeling.  So at present the chapter stands at 40 pages with the book finishing up at 340 pages and 145,000 words.  Oh, and the writing I didn't want used didn't get used.  The last words of the book were God's:

So I say onto you, as I say onto my people:

Judge yourself less, love yourself more.

Isn't this photo stunning?  It's called Blue Sky and was taken in Scotland by Bill Lockhart.  You can find other stunning photos and his blog at www.billlockharts.com.  I have permission to use this photo on the cover of the book.  

The book is now officially titled Reality Spirituality and I am leaning more and more towards the idea of self publishing.  So the next step in the process is the 3rd draft, I would like to carve 30-40,000 words from it. I would then like to send it off to a professional editor who charges $250-300 per 20,000 words. (A great motivation to cut words.)

Meanwhile I continue to work part time/full time as a housesitter.  In May I had a marvelous time sitting with a couple of dogs near Sacramento and am presently sitting with three dogs near Joshua Tree National Park.  It's very hot here, over 100 most days, but the swampcooler keeps the place cool.  Oh and they have HBO and I am able to see TrueBlood.  What's not to love?

I finish here in August with enough time to make it back to Iowa for my family reunion and I hope to make it over to Illinois to visit family and friends.  It's a quick 10 day trip and then I commence another housesit up near Carmel, California.

The journey continues . . . . Life is Wonderful!

A Few More Chapters with an End in Sight

I imagine the lilacs are starting to bloom back in Illinois.  I yearn to inhale their fragrance.  I do enjoy my life in California but there is something so alive about springtime in the Midwest.

I have carved out a couple more chapters since my last progress report.  I just put the finishing touches on Chapter 20.  Just a few more to go with about 50 pages to go.  The book now stands at 240 pages.  Please remember this is just the 2nd draft.

So let me update the table of contents.

Chapter 16       Finally, We Meet

Chapter 17      The Affair Ends
Chapter 18      On Fire 
Chapter 19     Many Faiths
Chapter 20     Love & Faith

I am also happy to report I have been hired by a lovely couple up near Sacramento to housesit and care for their beloved dogs .  This will ease my budget and lets me breathe a little easier.  There's possibilities of other housesitting gigs as well.  Life is Wonderful!

The Journey continues . . .

I'm Being Silly - I know that. Really, I know that.

It took great personal fortitude this morning for me to let go of something meaningful in my life.  I had tried several times over the last couple of months to release it.  In fact, I would release it, and then take it back.  I'm talking about my beloved sleep shorts. 

Yes, yes, I know the women reading this are rolling their eyes, and groaning, "Men!"  Oh they know we are prone to this syndrome.  We become attached to underwear, T-shirts, ball-caps and yes sleep shorts.  We become absolutely attached, they become beloved items in our wardrobe,  and we can even go into panic at just the idea of parting from them.

Outsiders marvel at our display of loyalty.  These items become ragged, worn thin, and maybe even full of holes.  And when someone hints they should be discarded, we snatch them back out of their glutches and hold them protectively to our chests--close to the heart.  We look at our loved ones, seeing them for what they are--crazed, depraved, and moan "they just got comfortable."

I can admit, in general, men are not strong enough to let such things go.  We just can't.  It feels too disloyal.  Luckily, many of us marry strong wives who have no compunction about such things.  They routinely discard them usually with a look of disgust. 

Once we learn our loved one had the nerve to throw our beloved item away, we will immediately throw a tantrum.  This is a ritual of thanksgiving for the loved one doing what we could not.  And please understand holding a grudge is part of our grief process and let me remind you doctors have said grief is a two year process.

But alas, I am divorced.  There is no wive to play this vital role in my life.  I had to do it . . . gasp . . . on my own.

I noticed my old friend (my sleep shorts) was not in good as shape as of late.  The cloth around the elastic was wearing away.  I didn't mind . . . they were comfortable. I didn't mind they had faded . . . they were comfortable.   I didn't mind when the first little pinhole showed up . . . they were comfortable.   I didn't mind when the hole got a bit larger, or when another hole appeared . . . they were comfortable.  I justified keeping them, nothing vital was revealed.  Many times I had thought I should replace them . . . but they were comfortable.  Each wash cycle they were a little worse for the wear . . . but they were comfortable.

This morning I heard the garbage truck picking up the recyclables and knew it was time.  I showered, changed clothes and picked up my beloved friend, my beloved sleep shorts, taking them with me as I went off for the day.  With great personal fortitude I dropped them off in the garbage can. 

Not looking back I offered a eulogy and the perfect epitaph . . . . they were comfortable

Normally, I like to post a picture relating to my message.  Aren't you glad I didn't this time?

And I hope this post reassures you my sense of humor is in tact.

Blessings everyone.

The Next Chapter

 It's been a week since I touched the book. I have finally managed to cut out another chapter--the 18th. i am now working on the last chapter of the original manuscript which was some 90 pages long. The task is to divide it into manageable and logical chapters. 

I chose this picture because this chapter starts with "I have come to the lower pasture to write." I loved this view and the experience of writing here.  I loved living in the barn as I know love living in California.

As I have reviewed part of this chapter I am struck by a couple of similarities. First, God and I are talking about wrapping things up by June. Which is when I currently hope to have the manuscript ready for the publisher. Second, I was facing some very tough financial realities in June 2009. As I am at the present. 

I am seeking to find a cheaper place to stay. I am having to make decisions as to what not to pay--car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, car payment? I have managed not to have my car repossessed twice now. And thank God for my tax return---hey, wait a minute it was my money in the first place. 

I have applied for several long term housesitting gigs, but none have come into fruition yet. I will probably get by for this month but come next month, I will be faced with some very hard decisions including giving up on following my heart. 

Over this last week, my faith has been stretched thin and through some processing with one of my most beloved of spiritual peers have recovered enough to continue work on my book. It has felt good to be editing again. 

Thank God for those spiritual friends who love me in spite of my faults; who amplify my virtues, minimize my failures and celebrate my successes. And as often as not see successes where I see failures. With their encouragement, I am inspired to walk a little farther down my path to see what will be revealed. God I love friends like that! 

So for now, for this month, the journey continues . . . . I am determined to get the book completed by June. 

Now, more than ever, I walk in faith . . . it will all work out.

About Editing

Storm clouds over IONS Center near Petaluma, CA

I took a break from editing to attend Jean Houston's Mystery School in Petaluma last weekend.  She announced after 28 years, this will the last year for Mystery School.  I am privileged to be able to attend.

It's been a week since I last spent time on the book.   I find my hardest editing task is to decide to remove pages from the material.  I have no problem removing a line or two of mundane conversation that doesn't serve the storyline.  Last week I felt I needed to remove five pages from the Chapter titled Stunned.  It was not an easy decision.

I thought the pages were well written and I would even say the message they conveyed was powerful.  Yet they did not really continue the storyline and needed to be cut.  It was not easy to do so. 

You must understand I received most of this book as a dialogue from God, and he participates in this editing process.  As I prepared to delete the pages, God clearly let me know that he liked the pages, but did allow I better understood the storyline--he would trust me to edit the chapter.

Yep, I felt guilty doing so.  In fact I could not just delete the material releasing it out to cyberspace.  I carefully edited the material, cut it to a new file and saved it.  Just in case I change my mind.  Or I might more accurately say in case God changes my mind.

Two chapters have been added since I listed the Table of Contents.  Chapter 16 We Finally Meet and Chapter 17 which remains untitled for the moment.  These chapters bring the page count to 213. 

I will soon start on the final received chapter of 90 pages.

The Journey continues . . .

Book Progress

I continue to spend a lot of time editing my original manuscript.  This second rewrite takes much more effort than the original.  Partially because the chapter I am working on was originally 90 pages.

In this chapter God and I discussed sexuality and spirituality.  As you can imagine this was a diverse discussion and has required careful editing.  I have removed pages because they distracted from the material at hand. (And because I am trying to shorten the length of the book.

In might interest you to know I don't really remember what I had received/written and I come to this material afresh.  What may be even more surprising is I really don't know how this book ends.  I have so enjoyed coming this editing process I have decided not to read ahead.

So I continue to make progress, and the chapter list continues to grow.  I share the Table of Contents, but remember the these are the working chapter titles.  The book currently is over 200 pages and I have another 90 page chapter to add.

Blessings and thank you for your continued interest as the journey continues.

Table of Contents

Author’s Note

Introduction

Chapter 1 How I Came to Talk to God

Chapter 2 The Blessing of Cancer

Chapter 3 Accepting Perfection

Chapter 4 Forget and Forgive

Chapter 5 I am Struggling

Chapter 6 Why Me?

Chapter 7 A Timeless Love

Chapter 8 Unrighteousness & The Spiritual Leader

Chapter 9 Acts of God

Chapter 10 Truth & Consequences

Chapter 11 Beyond Discomfort

Chapter 12 There’s No Such Thing as Right or Wrong

Chapter 13 Beginning The Affair

Chapter 14 Why I Stayed

Chapter 15 Stunned

I realize some of you have may not seen my robes and this picture is of the tapestry my caplet and accessories are made from.

Carving Out Chapters

When I first received/wrote my book, it contained only 7 chapters. The last two chapters were both over 90 pages. The most difficult part of editing has been carving these into smaller, more manageable chapters. Ten to fifteen pages seems to be about the ideal size.

I have reviewed the first six chapters I had previously edited and am satisfied with them.

Last week I was able to dramatically, yet judiciously, edit Chapter 7 A Timeless Love.   I had previously worked on this chapter, but I like this version better.

This last weekend, I was able to work with material I had not previously edited, and have carved out two more chapters.

God has been very active in this editing process including titling these two chapters.  Chapter 8:  Unrighteousness and the Spiritual Leader and Chapter 9: Wife, Girlfriend, and Guilt.  These are still working titles, but certainly catch one's attention.

I had several wonderful phone calls this weekend.  I heard from some of my old co-workers.  One of who asked if I was going to retire my car.  Pun intended.  Re-tire my car.  So to answer, I did not put new tires on, but did get the tire repaired. 

Hopefully I will get a tax return to fund new tires.  Meanwhile donations are graciously accepted.  Put your name, address and phone number on the back of a hundred dollar bill and send it to me, and you can be the proud sponsor of one the tires.  Such fun we're having.

The journey continues. . .  Blessings to all.

The Father Within

In my previous post I mentioned I just concluded a 46 page writing.  The last two days of that writing had been particularly poignant.  That portion of the writing is 22 pages long.  If anyone would like to read the entire narrative, leave a comment and I'll see what I can do.

Meanwhile I offer this excerpt from February 26, 2011:

So now back to my deep reflection.

I am an incredibly loving father.  I am the perfect loving father—for me.

In those moments as an emotionally wounded eight year old, I needed a particular kind of love.  I needed a father who understood me and loved me.  I needed to be surrounded in love and to be told everything would be okay.  I needed to be told how I experienced the world was real and I wasn’t out of my mind.

Through the miracle of meditation I was able to go back in time and be the loving father I needed.

(Long pause as I contemplate the above.)

What a blessing, what a miracle!

This may be a little confusing but I hope our readers can follow my line of thought.

My unborn children woke up a dominant seed of fatherhood in me.  It grew into a desire to experience fatherhood.  This led to discussions with you about fatherhood and my abilities to be a loving father.  You reassured me my loving heart would be enough.  I then indeed experienced fatherhood and though the miracle known as Little One knew the love of a young child very near the age I was when I was so emotionally wounded.

All of this happened to prepare me to be the perfect father to me.  

Through the miracle of meditation, I went back not once, but twice, to talk to myself, to console my wounded spirit, to restore my faith, and most of to unconditionally love myself.

This meditation, the resetting or rewriting of my past has real time consequences.

How so?

I am a very loving man.  I would go so far as to say my ability to be a loving father is directly due to having reset my past.

You are saying your ability to go back in time to the crucial moment to be the loving father you needed is directly due to having gone back in time to be the loving father you needed therefore resetting your past?

I am.

This indeed is a deep reflection.

I further believe being the loving man I am today is a direct result of having reset my past even though I was not conscious of having done so.

Still Driven

I continue to be driven to work--writing, transcribing and editing.  I had caught up with all of my transcribing and started the red ink editing process on my previously edited material.

I have gone over six chapters.   I cut a bit out of them and added other bits.  I am happy with them, at least for the moment. 

I was fully prepared this week to spend time on Chapter 7 which will have to be divided into many smaller chapters.

I felt Spirit was directing me to write, so Tuesday morning I sat down with a cup of tea to do so.

Oh my!

The conversation continued for five days and ended up being 46 pages (over 90 pages in total) in my notebook.  It's been quite some time since I had a writing of this length.

The conversation/writing over the last two day was particularly meaningful.  Through reflection I came to a great and profound understanding about what seemed to be unrelated events over the last year or so.  I may post part of it when I get it transcribed.  I had caught up with my transcribing but I am sure this will take me a couple of days to get into the computer. 

Money issues continue to plague me. (When haven't they?)  I had a flat tire a week ago.  Luckily just outside my complex although I did have to change it in a cold rain.  I am still driving on the spare as I have to wait until the first when my pension kicks in again to have it repaired.  (Can't help but fondly remember an old co-worker of mine that often ran on this spare tire.)   I have come to love Campbell's soup. :)  Hopefully I will get a tax refund and replace a couple of tires.

Money issues seem so trivial to me, as I am absolutely exhilarated about the work I am doing.

The Journey continues . . . Blessings to you all!

Driven

Today is a significant day in the process of editing my book. With a red pen in hand, I start the physical editing.

As of late, I have been driven--absolutely driven to work on the book.  I haven't felt like this since I wrote the book while in Oregon.  I'm not sure if I felt this driven even then.

Interestingly enough my current work has not involved the actual book, but in gaining the proper perspective to edit the next section of the book. I have been surprised at how driven I have been as Spirit directs this process. Let give you an example of just how driven.

Hopefully, some of you have been readings my Facebook posts along with these blog posts. If so, you will know I was granted a scholarship to attend Jean Houston's Mystery School workshop last weekend. It was a huge blessing, and I had several profound experiences while there.

I like to arrive rested for the weekend and as it is a six hour drive I drove up a day early.  I was able to have dinner and spend overnight with a dear and beloved friend. 

This dear friend introduced me to Brother Tree, who many of you know is very special to me.  I have communicated and communed with this tree.  As I had not seen Brother Tree since last October prior to returning to Illinois to be in a committed relationship, I had planned to do so on Friday morning before making my way to Mystery School.

As I drove up Interstate 5, I mused over my upcoming visit with Brother Tree.  I wondered if my friend would be able to join me, if I would go alone, how I might spend my time with Brother Tree, what I would like to talk to him about, etc.  Spirit then spoke to me.  "It would be better if you spent time working." 

I was shocked.  I always enjoy my time with Brother Tree and am always renewed, refreshed from the experience.  Spirit was not telling me I couldn't go, but that my time would be better spent working.

As I continued my musing, I was shown how much time I had taken off for the Mystery School, how much I was not getting done by attending.  I was also shown it would be better if I went home directly after Mystery School finished on Sunday afternoon instead of lingering as I usually do.  I was shown I should not linger and return on Monday as I had planned.  I was told, "You have work to do on Monday."

As Spirit is directing this editing process, I acquiesced.  I did not go to see Brother Tree.  Instead I went to the IONS center and set in the sun and continued a writing I had been working on.

On Sunday, I returned to my home in Chatsworth.  I woke up early, made my way to the local Panera's and sat and transcribed my last two writings.  I had over five notebooks of writings to transcribe.  Pre-relationship and post-relationship writings along with current writings.  That work completed yesterday. 

I believe I have gained the proper perspective to edit the next chapters of the book which are on sexuality and spirituality.  But first, I must review all that has been previously edited.

With red pen in hand . . . the work continues . . . I am driven to an unknown deadline . . . as the journey continues.


And yes, Spirit knew I was taking time to write this post.

Purple

Although there has been much going on in my life, I have not blogged since September when I triumphantly announced Life is Wonderful.

And it remains wonderful.

Even if things have not worked out as I thought they might.

I returned to be in relationship with my beloved. A month later she asked me to leave.

I have not known heartache quite like this. I knew I had to go off and heal my heart and my spirit. I came back to my friends in California. I have even come back to the same household. Just not the same room.


I returned to the room I first lived in. It had since been painted purple. I live in a purple room as you see pictured here.

For all of you who think that purple is not an appropriate color for a man to live in, I invite you, I sincerely invite you to step out of your judgment. (It's that much better than telling you to f. . . well you get the idea.)

Over the last year I have come to feel quite empowered by the color purple. I found it the perfect environment to heal in. I have struggled to heal my heart. I have to be very diligent in my processing to keep my heart open and not to fall into the trap of embitterment.

I recently added new bed linen. The bedspread is a deep plum purple. (Very masculine. lol) The sheets match the wall color.  The bedspread blocks out all the light in the room as well.

The truth is that while I have been posting on Facebook, I have not been up to sharing the story of my life on these pages. I will try to correct this as I have gained great insight into the nature of relationship.

Meanwhile, I have been working, working, working on my book. I had over 200 pages of dialogue about this relationship both pre- and post-return. I have added 150 more pages since arriving here.
Spirit has been guiding me as I transcribe all of this material. I move from pre-return writing, to post-writing, to current, back to pre-, back to post, back to current. All in an effort to bring a new perspective to my book. I will now edit it through the filter of relationship.

One of the things I have learned from this dialogue with God is "Relationship is the ultimate expression of intimacy with self."

The budget continues to be tight.  Campbell's Soup is my friend.  Now, where is that tax return form . .

Blessings upon you all.