Shift upon shift upon shift. And I’m here to tell you that shift happens.
I have not fulfilled my last posting. I have not written to God on a daily basis. I thought my February was going to be filled with writing and editing. Instead, I have been on a path of personal growth.
The first shift:I have previously reported of having gone through a deep process in October in which I gave up my habits of self-judgment, self-loathing and self-hatred. I’m not sure if I told you that it was during this process that I learned of the origins of my testicular cancer. I am sure that I have not reported that during that process I apologized to my unborn children—a girl, a boy, and a second girl. Oh, I know this all may be all too weird or too new age for some who are reading this. Yet, it is a very real experience for me. And it had a profound effect upon me. It would be several months before I realized the extent of that effect.
It started during my visit back east and involves a heart connection. Notice that I didn’t say love or falling in love. It involved someone I had dated in my past who I was having a casual lunch with. During which I was having intense feelings of wanting to kiss her, and to make love to her. This wasn’t about lust, but was about a heart connection. These feelings were overwhelming and confusing. I didn’t understand them as I knew I was not in love with the woman in question.
It took me several days after our lunch to make sense of my experience. When I can’t make sense of something in the physical sense, I start looking for the spiritual reason. I sincerely believe this was the soul I was suppose to have children with. I’m not clear if that means with this woman or with another incarnation of this soul. And perhaps it is even possible we have had children in past lives. All I do know was that these feelings were intense and overwhelming. But once I understood them, I was able to move through them and go on with my life. Or so I thought.
As I returned to California, I continued to be overwhelmed by these feelings. They would be triggered by either a phone call or email from the woman in question. I am not in love with this woman, we are just friends and casual friends at that. I might add she is in another relationship. I am aware of these things, even as I am overwhelmed with this primal urge to procreate. It is so powerful, so primal that it can overwhelm my logic, my heart . . . and even my faith.
I have struggled to keep focused on my book and my journey of the heart. I sincerely believe that my book, when published, will change lives. I have been shown this in my visions and have written about it within many, many writings. I know of this. I have made huge changes in my life to write this book. This book has become my life. Only those within my most intimate of circles knew that I was considering giving up it all up to come back to Illinois to explore fatherhood. (Remember I said this primal huge had overwhelmed my logic.)
It took all of my spiritual wisdom and maturity to not act upon these feelings and just to be with them. I stopped resisting the feelings. Instead I tried to embrace them as real and worth exploring. What you resist, persists. I believe Carl Jung was credited with that principle.
I told my housemates and a few members of family of the internal struggle I was going though. I also stopped working on the book. And beyond the one writing that I did on February 1st, I stopped writing. And you might find it interesting to know that I did not see this as a crisis of faith, as my faith was still very strong. I just felt overwhelmed by this primal urge to be a father.
Saying I stopped resisting doesn’t mean I gave up. I was scheduled to attend the Conscious Life Expo over Valentine’s Day weekend. I set a very strong intention that I would come to clarity about this matter. (You can still check it out at www.consciouslifeexpo.com)
This expo was filled with lectures, workshops and keynote speakers. Many of the new-age, self-help authors were going to be there. I attended talks given by don Miguel Ruiz (The Four Agreements), Debbie Ford (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power), and Jean Houston (Jump Time: Shaping Your World in a Time of Radical Change).
I know this is an extraordinarily long post, but if you’re not really interested in reading about my life, you stopped reading a long time ago. Lol. I want to share a seemingly small synchronicity that eventually led to my third shift.
Friday Night:I had made extensive notes of what sessions I had wanted to attend and managed to leave back at the house. My housemate and I were on the way to dinner, having decided we would not attend any sessions and just explore the exhibitor halls.
A man stepped onto the elevator with Speaker Badge. I asked if he was giving a lecture tonight or later in the weekend. He answered in an hour and told us his lecture was on Birthing Your Book with Ease. I remembered that was one of the lectures I had wanted to attend, but without my notes had forgotten.
I could not ignore such a synchronicity and attended his lecture. Several points he made really resonated with me. The most significant of which was not to think of editing as editing but as revision, as in revisiting the vision of your book. I have soooo struggled with editing, and this was much needed shift in my thinking. He went on to speak about spiritually editing and getting in touch with The Voice of The Muse. Already—within hours of arriving at the expo—the universe was already contriving to bring clarity to my confusion.
Saturday:don Miguel Ruiz:He was very soft spoken and even with his voice amplified I had to listen closely. His talk was about The 5th Agreement. Just as a reminder, remember that the four agreements to not sin against yourself are: Be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personally. Don’t make assumptions. Always do your best. These are four easily stated concepts that are difficult to live, and is something one must constantly renew within themselves. I have a quote from this book on my wall. “Don’t believe me. Don’t believe yourself. Don’t believe anybody else. But learn to listen.”
This is about how we get caught up in our dramas and our stories and learning to rise above them and knowing our true selves. The 5th Agreement is about moving even beyond the four and mastering the art of being. I am that I am. Probably the most provocative thing he thing he had to say was: “Either you are happy, or you are being stupid.” He went on to explain about being addicted to suffering, heartache, and drama. Until you aren’t.
Debbie Ford:Debbie’s talk was about embracing the dark side of ourselves. Far too often as spiritually conscious people, we try to bypass or ignore our dark sides. We often make ourselves wrong for these very real aspects of ourselves. She spoke about being bitchy and how that quality can sometimes serve her. This entire talk was really an application of my earlier quote from Carl Jung; What you resist, persists. By embracing our darker side, we can use it and even let it go. It was a fun lecture and at the end of it she had us all up on our feet shouting affirmations culminating with: I am hot, gorgeous and delicious. (And by the way, she really is hot and gorgeous and I obviously didn’t get to find out about the delicious part. Lol.)
Master Mingtong Gu & Lucinda Drayton:
Saturday night, I attended a Wisdom Healing Spiral. This was a walking meditation in the form of a inner/outer spiral that tapped into the energy of the Milky Way. It was led by Master Gu and accompanied by Lucinda Drayton. Lucinda’s voice is so pure that the vibration of it seemed to transport me to the heavens. Some of you may be familiar with her voice as female lead in the band Bliss.
This too was a powerful experience. The group walked and chanted together. I felt the power of our combined energies. This experience reminded me of scene at the Tree of Souls in the movie Avatar where the entire clan is chanting and combining their energies on behalf of one.
Sunday:Jean Houston and my second shift:I attended this keynote speech with my housemate. I have set here for several moments trying to come up with the words to explain what happened. Let me start with Jean Houston herself. What a wonderfully dynamic, soulful, enlightened being. Yet so down to earth, who makes you feel as if she is speaking only to you.
But it was more than that. Jean sees our bigger selves. If you have you have seen the movie Avatar and understand the expression, “I see you” then you will understand the feeling I got from this talk. She conveys all of this in both a humorous and profound way. She enables you to stop seeing the “small you” and not to just envision the “big you” but to feel that energy. The “big you” who is one of and with the universe.
She spoke of her intense hatred of writing. She has authored more than twenty-six books, and she hates to write. She went on to explain of her many, many personas. And that she calls up whatever persona she needs in the given moment. She is an excellent cook—she loves to cook—and is very good at it. And it is the cook within her that has written her books. It’s all a matter of mindset.
She led us through a meditation where we met our higher selves. We stood with our hands out, palms up. We envisioned our higher selves standing before us hands out, palms down. And with that connection our higher selves downloaded the information we needed to evolve in our present day lives. She then had us turn around and see ourselves as our higher selves with our palms down. In that moment I was filled with such deep love for myself—it was incredible. I know I over use the word profound, but it is the only word that readily comes to mind.
One of the last things she did was to help us to time travel. Yes, I did just say time travel. She spoke of being able to learn all you need to know about any given subject by simply envisioning the process. She told us to imagine traveling to any place in time. Some choose to travel around the world. Some to talk with loved ones. Some chose to see the next year in their lives.
I chose to visit Abraham Lincoln in his office at the White House. I sat beside his desk. He put down his pen and sat back. He brought his hands together in a triangle form, just under his nose as he contemplated me. He put his hands down and said, “Greatness is not something you are. It is something that is thrust upon you. I never saw myself as great. I never thought I did all that much. What I did do, and quite well I might add, was to focus on the task at hand. I did the best I could. God Almighty brought me to the task at hand and all I did was to do it to the best of my ability. All you need to do is the task at hand and greatness will be thrust upon you.” He leaned forward, picked up his pen, and went back to this correspondence. He paused, raised his head to look at me and I saw the weariness upon his face. His eyes were filled wit such compassion, such love, such wisdom and he quietly, softly said, “Greatness is upon you.” He returned to his correspondence. My friends, what is even more amazing than these shared words is that this mediation was only a minute long—timed to the second.
Of all the sessions I attending this was the only one that the audience erupted into a standing ovation.
I cannot articulate exactly what shifted in me that day. Imagine that your state of being is sitting at twelve noon and in the space of a few minutes—maybe even in a few seconds—you found yourself at three o’clock. It was such a huge shift that it boggled my mind and I was speechless.
We had break before our evening session and we elected to leave the hotel. We traveled the short distance to Manhattan Beach. As we drove I mostly remained silent, contemplating what had just happened. It was beautiful sunny day in the upper 70’s. I walked barefoot on the beach, and walked in the surf. (The water was cold!)
During our dinner conversation, my housemate and I decided we are going to attend Jean Houston’s Mystery School. This is a group of five weekend retreats. The first one is next weekend. You can find out more at http://www.jeanhouston.org/mysteryschool-new.cfm
If you’re still interested, then I’ll tell you about my third shift. And thank all of those who have had the patience to read all of this.
Third Shift:While this shift happened on the Tuesday following the Expo, it started when I attended Mark Gerson’s class on Birthing Your Book With Ease on Friday night. I met with him for a brief consultation and hired him to consult on my book.
I was luckily enough to meet him on Tuesday before he returned to his home in New Mexico. He led me through a meditation to find the vision of my book.
If you don’t already know guided meditation is a great way to get beyond your preconceived ideas and in touch with your inner wisdom. I have found it to be a powerful tool in my personal journey of evolution.
Mark led me to envision my book and for the first time, I saw it as a separation entity. I know with all of my ability to feel/converse with a wide variety of entities, it would seem that I should have known this. But I didn’t. In fact, this was the first time I had ever gotten in touch with my book. Let me tell you some of what I experienced as I envisioned the book that using my five senses.
What did the book look like?I pictured it as dark or black with a back-glow of energy radiating from behind/underneath it. The rays of energy were dynamic and moving, almost pulsing. I realized this book was/is alive—it is a living entity.
At first, my eyes welled up with tears. (Even with my eyes closed.) And soon a tear trickled down my cheek.
As I pondered where this energy was coming from, I could sense a stream of energy coming from above and from below it. These force fields fed the energy of this book. The lower stream represented my own energy and the upper energy was from God. I was instantly filled with God’s love for me. (This was when my tears started.) I also felt my love for God. I met it equally and our combined energies were manifested in our book. Tears started to flow.
What did the book smell like?I was surprised by this question and that I could actually smell the book. It smelled of old paper with a combination of dusty and musty. It felt as if the book was an ancient text—that it contained ancient wisdom. I could also smell ink, and good hear the scratch of a quill upon the page.
Next, came taste:Again, this question surprised me. It tasted of sweat and of blood. Not in a sacrificial way Behind that flavor was a taste I can only identify as love. Love of God—both two and from. I cannot tell you what love tastes like, yet I knew it was present.
I was asked to feel my book:I was surprised by its weight in my hands. This could because of the number of pages or because of the import of the content, or a combination of two. I could feel the heft of book within my hands.
I next felt my connection to the book:I could feel the flow of energy/communication flow down through my crown chakra, to my heart chakra, and then radiate down my arm to hand and through my pen. As my tears surged, I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of being God’s Messenger. I was both humbled and in awe of this. I sat for long moments as the tears streamed down my face.
Mark next asked what the book wanted from me:I nearly sobbed when I felt the answer: my life. Not in a literal sense—not my true life blood—but the example of my life—warts and all. The book asked for my authenticity—my willingness to share such deep things even the ugliness of my life. The book asked for the reality of my life—the joys, the sorrows, the pain, and the triumphs. Once again I was humbled to have this asked of me.
And lastly, Mark asked what would be the outcome of the book:Now, it might seem natural to think the answer would involve the publishing of the book and the subsequent reading of it. The answer stunned me and renewed my tears.
To make me whole—and as I heard the word, it morphed into holy. Even now as I type this, tears well up.
With that, the meditation was complete. It took me several long minutes to compose myself enough to be able to jot down some notes about what I had just experienced.
Mark left me with an assignment to talk to my book. And to re-read my manuscript, asking it what it wants to be. I have not yet done that assignment
I have been busy adjusting to the shifts. Such major shifts take their toll and I have been fatigued. It has taken over a week to write this narrative.
Additionally, I went through another major shift this weekend that seems to have left me feeling even more empowered. Shift upon shift upon shift upon shift.
Balance:
I am currently diligently working to bring myself back in balance as I prepare for my weekend with Jean Houston. I seem to be going a great period of personal growth. And this weekend is about my personal development. I was presented with another opportunity for personal development that represented a year-long commitment. After much thought, I have declined. I strongly feel I need to balance my personal growth, development along with the work on my book.
Next week, I hope to get back in touch with my book and go from there.
Over the past few weeks, many have held me in their thoughts and lifted me up in their prayers. I thank each and every one. And I thank those readers who had the patience to read this entire post. Blessing to each of you.
The journey continues . . .
