How am I?

I know that many read this blog strictly to learn how I am doing. I have not updated my condition since I announced that my left eye was blind for a few days. So let me update you to all that is going on in my life. (The picture is of the ceiling of the main meeting room at Meditation Mount.)

My eye is probably as good as it's going to get. I still have a couple small spots of blindness. It seems to come and go. They are about the size of the center of this a. My eyes have adjusted to this. I do have some trouble when reading with only that eye and occasionally it can be light sensitive.

My job situation is still the same. Lots of applications and resumes. My finances are still a major issue, but I'm doing what I can to find a job. Living from the heart is not for everyone and hasn't always been easy for me. And for those who wonder--no, I don't regret having retired or the loss of income. Ok, maybe at the moment I miss the income, but I wouldn't change it I had to do it over again. My life is so much more satisfying. Deep down, at the soul level, satisfying.

If you read the "That Which I am About" post then you know that I have an agenda set before me. I am working on me. I have tried to share some of the processing I have done. Yet must admit that there's significant processing that I have done that I have not shared. It is difficult to explain some of it, and some it I choose to keep private. Perhaps it will one day be in a book. lol.

Speaking of books, last week I checked out CreateSpace which is associated with Amazon.com. I learned I can self publish my book for as little as $300. The book would be available electronically or a hard copy can be printed on demand. They often a high level of assistance from editing to layout and design. Even including artwork. Of course the fees go up for that. The $300 is for a book ready to be printed. Which I'm working on.

Yep, you read correctly. I am working on the book. (Yes, I know what God said in the writing I shared in the previous post but I felt it was time.) I started editing. At the same time, I am typesetting the book. This is in preparation for the previously mentioned self publishing it. Yep that still means I need a job, but while I am waiting and applying and waiting and applying, applying, applying, I can be doing something on the book. Can't explain why I feel compelled to do so now, I just am. I continue to work on me, but that's difficult to explain in writing.

Meanwhile, the journey continues . . . .

World Shift 2012

Last Saturday several of us made our way to Meditation Mount (http://www.meditation.com) in Ojai, California to hear Barbara Marx Hubbard and Dr. Ervin Laszlo speak about World Shift 2012.

It does not take a big leap of the imagination to see that humanity is on the brink of destroying itself. (The planet cannot continue to sustain us. We cannot continue with a "me first" consciousness.) The Myan calender ends in 2012 and many do believe that means an end of life as we know it. Many experts around the world agree that what is needed is a shift in consciousness.

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To build something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." Buckminster Fuller

World Shift 2012 and Renaissance 2 are combining to bring about a global shift in consciousness. If you are a person of consciousness, if you believe that there is something you can do, I invite you to check out http://www.barbaramarxhubbard.com and http://www.renaissance2.eu

That Which I Am About

I know there are those who follow this blog who wonder if I have forgotten what I am about. There has been no mention of writing or working on the book. It would appear that I have forgotten all about that. That would not be the case, it is always on my mind.

A couple of weeks ago I sat down to write as my friends hiked. I took the above picture as I sat at a picnic table and talked to God for the first time since I moved to California.

The conversation did not go as I would have expected. I got spanked-lovingly-but spanked none the less. Not for what I have not been doing, but for what I had been doing a lot of lately. That is judging myself. I will not share here in what context I had been judging myself except to say that I need to see myself as others see me. I think it might be easier to just share part of the writing with you. (This color indicates God is speaking.)

My self judgment is a tool.

It is a habit! Let us not bullshit each other! (Sternly.)

You seem to be irascible today.

You and your beloved friends talk about "efficient use of time and looking into the sun." Let's just say I am shining a little sunlight on the matter and choose not to waste either of our times.

Again I don't know what to say.

Good! Because I do. I have much to say and a short amount of time to say it.

The number one thing I want to say is that I love you. I haven't stopped loving you. Just because you and I have not been in written communication does not mean you have fallen out of my favor with me.

Just because you are not presently working on the book does not mean you have fallen out of favor with me. It doesn't mean that you have somehow lost your motivation or your direction. The book is the book is the book. It is complete. It needs to be edited. That will come when it comes.

Yes, there is another book in you. There is always another book book in whatever author you wish to speak about. Your present job is not to work on another book about some unknown subject that corresponds with the Weaver's work. Not at this time. Soon - but not now. (I always worry about the word soon. There is the divine soon which can seem to be infinite when compared to soon in our relative world. Before I could write the question, God answered.) And I do not mean that in the sense of the "divine soon" but in the relative sense. But that book cannot be brought forth in your present condition.

You must become more pure--more clear--more loving. Not more loving of the world--but more loving of self. That is what you have come to Camp Harmony. To love yourself again--and to lose some of the old habits--including your self loathing. I want you to work aggressively at excising out the habit of self loathing and self judgment. Be as violent as you have to be but excise them. Sooner rather than later.

You have said you like to "look into the sun." Well, my son, put your sunglasses on if you must but excise those habits! Time is short. My time is short. Your time is short.

And the group's time is short. There is real work here that needs done. For each of you. This is God work we are up to you and I! Keep on!

Now my loving son, get on with your present work--your real work awaits.

While this writing was stunning, I have not yet excised my bad habits. I have been working on them. In past posts I have reported that I have been working on personal issues that involve the 1st and 2nd chakras. These habits reside in those areas. It takes a great deal of effort to process work in these areas and it can't be rushed. I will simply report that I'm working on it.

There is more to report about that which I am about but put it in another post.

No Reason to Panic

There is no reason to panic with what I am about to report. I didn't panic and if I didn't, then there's no reason for the readers of this blog to do so.

While visiting with my friend in San Leandro, I woke up last Monday morning unable to see out of my left eye.

There was a web of small gray dots that was meshing together to obliterate most of my sight. I could see some bits of light and shapes but nothing definitive. Due to this "blindness" in the left I was I was having trouble focusing my right eye. I sat quietly over coffee and toast waiting to see if this was just a temporary thing. Alas, it was not.

I went to the drug store, picked up a eye patch and now was more easily able to focus my right eye. I decided that I would prefer to deal with this issue in Chatsworth. I drove the six hours with my left eye patched. I would periodically check to see if I was still blind, but other than that I simply drove.

Yes, yes being blind in one eye could have been scary--many may have panicked. I simply chose not to. I sincerely mean this. I chose not to. I realized that such an emotional response was not going to serve me or repair the eye, so I chose to remain peaceful.

I did call my friends in Chatsworth and left voice mails that stated I could use some assistance. They did eventually return my call--as I pulled up in front of the condo. They had a name of good optometrist. Before making an appointment, I decided to check in with my insurance company as I was here in California and wanted to verify my coverage here. Lo and behold, I learned I haven't had health insurance since I retired. As simple as that, I could not see a doctor for my ailment.

I called Retiree Services to find out what had happened to my coverage. They were surprised to learn that I was entitled to health insurance. (Some employees do not get coverage, as a union member, I do.) They were apologetic and expedited enrollment.

Meanwhile, my eyesight improved each day. I still had to use an eye patch on Tuesday to be able to focus enough to read and/or type. I often blew the screen up to 150% to be able to see without strain. At first my eyesight seemed to improve from the outside edge in and by Wednesday there were patches of sight. I found I could somewhat read with that eye. This was greatly improved by Thursday but there were still dots of blindness.

I am grateful to the those who served to expedite my enrollment--even if I did not get coverage until Thursday. I was able to get an appointment for Friday morning with an Ophthalmologist that my friend's optometrist suggested.

So the report is this: There are still dots of blindness and I often have to squint my left eye and force my eyes to focus. After extensive testing, mostly what we learned it what it's not such as degenerative eye disease or a detached retina, or a cataract or glaucoma. All that appeared was a very subtly inflamed optic nerve. The doctor felt this was due from reduced blood flow to the nerve. Most likely caused by a blood clot or a bit of blood plague or cholesterol lodging in the veins to the nerve. Additional blood tests have been ordered and I have an appointment in two weeks. Planning on the results we may choose to have additional testing in regards to the blood flow to the brain and therefore the eye. I am not suffered from headaches or any other symptoms that might indication a deeper issue. The doctor suspects that my eyesight will continue to improve and sees no reason that there might be a repeat of the episode.

He approved me returning to exercise. I had not exercised for a week and attended a water aerobics class last evening. My muscles resisted the idea of exercise and I am sore today.

Now as to all of those who are wondering why I didn't call them, or inform them of my condition the answer is quite simple. I chose not to panic. I saw this as not life threateneing and mostly just an inconvenience. I didn't have answers to what was going on, and I chose to remain calm about all of this. In this post I both inform my dear devoted supporters of the condition and the answers as I have them.

I thank you for your love and concern and remind you that if I can chose to be peaceful about all of this, so can you.

My eyesight is still not perfect and I am adapting . . . meanwhile the journey continues.