The Mountain Top

I have been to the mountain top.

I say that tongue in cheek, as many reading this consider my moving to Oregon to write a book (and my subsequent move to California) to be the equivalent of a hermit going to the mountain top to sit and and contemplate the meaning of life.

Two days after returning from my three week trip back to Illinois, the household went into retreat. We spent five days reflecting upon our year of living in community.

We looked at the intentions we had set during that first retreat and reflected upon our personal growth over the year. We also looked at where we presently are in our lives and where we felt we were going.

Much like the hermit upon the mountain top, my reflection brought me new insights about myself, about my life, and where I am now going. Some of which may surprise those who regularly read this blog. I will admit that several of them surprised me as well. Join me, as I climb the mountain as I share my journey of reflection and insight.

One of the my first intentions was to let go of my fear and doubt about the book.

My reflections included: The book has become almost insignificant to my personal growth and development. Further, it is not possible for me to proceed with the book without balancing both myself and my life. I no longer have fear or doubt about the book or its impact. I am not abandoning the book, but will work on it as I am called to do so. The book is the journey and not the designation. It has been, is and will remain A Journey of the Heart.

Another of my intentions was to let go of the fear of success.

My reflections: There was a time that I could only mark myself as a success if the book was published or if I was revered as an author or spiritual leader. I have come to realize that it was much more important for me to be comfortable with who and what I am. Success now looks like me not just liking myself . . . . .but loving myself. All else comes from there.

As it was one of the group's original intentions, we next reflected on our growth during the last year regarding Intimacy/Relationship.

My reflections were varied:

I often felt absolutely alone even as I was living in a household where I was loved more intensely, more unconditionally than I had ever been. This seemed to be more about my ability to receive the love rather than how well or intensely I was loved.

My greatest intimacy has been in being myself. That is my authentic self. I stopped presenting an image just so that I would be loved. I presented my true, my authentic self, only to find I was still loved.

Releasing the deepest, darkest wounds within my being allowed me to let go of not just self-judgment and self-loathing, but a deep set self-hatred that I had not realized I carried. I came to not just forgive my father who I thought was responsible for the deep wounds but came to understand my own responsibility for them. I forgave myself which started an intimate relationship with myself.

With all this reflection we asked ourselves two questions: What’s the most essential to remember—for the last year, and for now?

From the past year:

My personal growth of both healing and finding myself.

Being fully authentic as possible about who and where I am, but always realizing I AM choosing.

Who do I choose to be now?

I thought I was the book only to learn I had nothing to do with the book. Yes, yes the story is mine, but I am so much more than the book—to the point that the book or the publishing of the book is NOT an essential part of me.

I no longer need love like an addict who must have it, must have it like a fix at all costs—and will do anything to get it. I found a new balance of mind, body and spirit and not just like myself but have come to love who I am. So much so that I don’t need to be loved by another to define who I am. Yet, when I do choose to love, it is perfectly okay to say that I have certain needs that I would like fulfilled.

For now:

Who do I choose to be now?

To be fully authentic first with myself, then with others—and of course, as always, with God.

I am fulfilled and perfect as I am. Right now. Right here.

Follow my heart.

Forget all my preconceptions of who and what I am and simply be.

Who do I choose to be now?

Acknowledge my gifts and abilities but do not allow them to define me for they too can limit me.

Yet with all of that said, I need not play small. I need to acknowledge that I am a divine being and by choosing to go into relationship—even to the point of letting go of my preconceived idea of what I am about—does not mean I quit being big, or that I am retreating from all that I am, but that I am choosing this as my next step in evolution.

Who do I choose to be now?

The last two days of my household's retreat was to empower ourselves in our individual pursuits. We literally climbed to the mountain top. It was dusk as these low-light photos indicate. As often happens in life the destination was not as important as the journey.

Many friends know that I am afraid of heights. Yet I climbed in faith with the love and support of my housemates. The inclines were steep. A slip or fall would certainly have meant broken bones. I amazed myself as we climbed to the pinnacle. I literally sat on the mountain top.

And while there I let go of my preconceived ideas of who I am and soared into the perfect freedom to be whoever I choose to be.

In my next blog I will share some more of what I am choosing--including the possibility that I am moving back to Illinois.